I want to talk about the trauma of finding out that a sibling has gone on to abuse others, and how that has an impact for the other siblings.
The circumstances that this has come about started around the middle of 2023. Let us go back in time first and explain the family dynamics. I am a twin, and I have a twin brother and an older sister (One year older). My relationship growing up with my twin, was a close bond. We did a lot together and supported each other. My sister and I too, had a good relationship and thankfully we still do. My brother was sent away to boarding school between ages 11 - 14 as, apparently, he had learning difficulties ( reading and writing). So, I felt I had lost him. I was ritually abused by my parents and others, throughout my childhood. My sister however had not known this was happening. My parents were very clever. A psychiatric doctor explained to me that in order to keep all the abominable abuse undetected the older sibling was not harmed. It was in general the middle child chosen to serve the master. However, I can say my sister’s relationship with my parents was not a loving one. We lived in a 3 bedroomed, detached house. No one had any idea what was going on behind closed doors. My brother returned to the family at age 14 to finish his schooling locally. He was given an ultimatum by my parents, "You either abide by our rules or you get out" I will never forget his answer " Can I have my dinner first". He always had to eat his dinner in the sunlounge. Then he left. I was told I am never see him. However, I used to meet him in secret at Fareham creek, but I was found out and punished accordingly.
Moving on a few years, my brother and I ended up buying a flat (by this time I had got away) I had managed to get him a job as a bingo caller, and he ended up being very good at it. In regard to the flat I managed the household bills and the household. I would make sure he was up and out for work. When I think back, I did a hell of a lot, and I also would apologise for his behaviour towards others at times. I always stood by him. The reason I did this was because he was all I had. My sister although renting a room in our flat for 14 months, had her own life to lead. However, she and I have always maintained a good relationship and had become even closer when both my parents had died. Full disclosure too, my sister is fully aware of me writing this and indeed in all I do. She is very supportive.
Back to when my brother and I lived together. During this period, I had met my husband to be. I believe that was the start of a breakdown in the relationship I had with my brother. Before I had met my husband, I believed there wasn't anyone out there that would want me let alone marry me. This is because I was told over and over during my life that I'm a nothing and no one will ever want me. I believed that. So, that is why I held onto the relationship I had with my brother. I put all of me into it. He was my everything. We bounced off each other. However, when I look back at that I could see I let his behaviours, his treatment of me, his treatment of others, his selfishness, his choices and many other things that would set alarm bells ringing. Had I known better I would just let, all that blow over me. I was in his bubble. That bubble broke when I met my husband. During our first date, my husband recalls that all I talked about was my brother.
As things were breaking down in my relationship with my brother, he then left me in the lurch. He had taken a position in a bingo hall in Tooting, London and just upped and left. He left me with the mortgage, bills, and everything. It was a very upsetting time. My husband and sister really helped, and the decision was made I'd move in with my husband (boyfriend at the time). I had to re home my cats, give up my flat. It was at this time I had my eyes opened as to my brothers’ behaviours and treatment of me which had been so wrong. I still loved him though and I would still make excuses for him. He went on to do well in the bingo world and ended up working in Kilmarnock, Scotland. He did become Scotland's bingo caller of the year and went on to represent Scotland in the UK bingo caller of the year competition in 2002. So, he had a public facing job. He was a very good entertainer he thrived on it. I had intermittent communications with him over the years, but it was all one sided. I really tried to get back that relationship. Others were asking me, why do you bother with him? Why, because there was that pull. I was blinded. Could it have been a twin thing, I don't know.
The day I stopped wasting my energies, my emotions, my feelings around my brother was a video call I had with him in 2023. He kept contacting me, wanting to chat and I ignored this as I didn't want to be hurt again. However, I caved in and agreed to have this call. When he came on the call, I was firstly shocked at how he looked. Unshaven, drawn, dishevelled. That call lasted one and half hours. A call I think back to now and wonder, how did I let it go on that long, especially as to the things he was telling me. He went on to say he had been caught with inappropriate pictures on his phone and subsequently charged. I specifically asked him were they minors and he said no. I won't go into all we talked about other than he spent some of the conversation telling me how I should have had conversations with him before I went ahead and published about my abuse and raising awareness. I should have run things by him first. So, I came off that call feeling numb. He was to attend court on July 4th which he did not, and I believe a warrant was out for his arrest. On September 24th of this year, he did attend court, and it was reported on. The article is below. He told me a load of lies on that video call, and I was physically sick when I read, what he had done. A premeditated act. On November 4th, this year he was sentenced to 3 years supervision with special conditions, 280 hrs community payback work, and an indefinite period on the sexual offenders register.
This has rocked me to my core. How do I navigate this. He knew what I do to help other survivors, and what I do to raise awareness, and he knew what I had been through. Yet he sat facing me in that video call expecting me to shower him with support. It is abhorrent what he did. It is abhorrent to premeditate an action that is a criminal act that violates others that he was the caregiver for. I shared a womb with this person, we have that twin connection. I cannot just ignore that. What I do know is I know right from wrong. My values and beliefs consist of honesty, love, gratitude, truth.
What perpetrators do not consider because of their innate selfishness, is the impact they have on their victims and not just them but on the circle of people around them including family members. So, I grieve for that loss of my relationship with my brother. I have had to detach myself from even being associated with my maiden name. When I saw it in the article it sent shivers up my spine to see it in that context. What I do see is where I am now and who I am. I look at what I have done to thrive from adversity. It is not easy navigating all the feelings and emotions when this happens. I am not here to know the answers. What I am here for, is to be real and say that this impact stinks. However choosing the right choices to navigate it does mean I can continue to live the life I do and continue to know I am loved, I have those around me that count. I will always be there for others and to keep banging that drum of raising awareness and not be scared of subjects that stay behind closed doors.
I am the me I am meant to be...........
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